I can't sleep because of it.

I miss Paige. I miss us. I know that it's all my fault. I know that I want to be with Nick forever. It's hard juggling between the two of them. I want to spend all my time with both of them, but I can't. I don't want to choose, even though it should be an easy one. I hate when people tell me we've "grown apart". I can't deal with those words. Even now that I'm in college and Paige doesn't have a car, I don't talk to her everyday. This is sad.

I am at my apartment at college. Weird. A little bit homesick. I miss my parents. I miss Nick so much. I hate not sleeping with him. I am making a lot of friends so far though. I got invited to a couple parties here. Already got pulled over by the cops. This year should be interesting. Classes start tomorrow. I don't think I know where I'm going. Nervous about that. I am sleeeeepy.

I think I like tumblr better than this, even though I don't really know how to use it. If you are reading this and you have a tumblr, follow me. My link is www.torisomething.tumblr.com ..I don't know what to do with it yet.

The new girl that Derek likes is sort of pretty. The thing that bothers me though is that he takes her around his friends, he invites her over, hangs out with her, does nice things for her. I was thinking about it last night, and when I was with him, I really wasn't all that cool. So, I guess I can see why he wasn't as interested as I was. Hahaha, I'm such a loser.

Yesterday was such a good day. Nick and I got to pet random horses. We declared him the horse whisperer. Then we all went swimming with my family. I got a sun burn, I got pushed in the pool. I love those days. Katie and I laid on a hammock. Does it get any better than that? I wish every summer day could be like that, but it's just my luck that I ALWAYS HAVE TO WORK WHEN IT'S SUNNY AND NOT RAINING. That pisses me off.
I'm doing good though. <3

I'm not doing much this summer due to the weather. I hang out with Nick all day/night. I haven't updated in a while. I need money. That's all I'm worried about lately.

I love Leighton Meester.

My birthday was awesome. We had a barn party and played pong with my boyfriend and best friends. I love those times. Those are the best times. My brother came down, and everyone loves him. He bonded with Nick hahahahaha. I just really like how things are going. Besides this shitty weather, my summer is perfect.
I messaged Derek. I messaged him and apologized for being mean. I need to grow up and I don't want to see him out somewhere and try to attack him. I realized I was over it when I thought about if he wanted to get back together with me, and I would say no. Nick is everything I need. I'm happy.

I love spending every night with Nick. I love the way he treats me. I love the way he makes me feel. He is perfect. I hate that he's leaving, Why does everyone leave me?
Aside from him, I need to start looking for a new job. A job where I can wear nose rings and not get fired for it. Graduation parties are coming up. I'm excited.


I<3life right meow.

He makes me so happy.

I'm sick of all the bitching and moaning about how I'm always with Nick and that I don't make time for anyone else. Don't just assume I'm going to be with Nick and use that as an excuse of why we don't hang out. God damn, I'm really fucking sick of it. He makes me soo fucking happy. I see him. He wants to see me. He is my boyfriend. It's a complete 180 from the way I was used to. I'm handling everything that is being thrown at me. Let me live.



Another thing that pisses me off.. that little whiney bitch. I could have told you he was going to rip your heart out. You're lucky it only took a month. I spent two years on that fucking asshole. You spent not even a month, and you think YOU'VE wasted time? That dude took everything from me. I have no sympathy for you. Once a fucking scumbag, always a scumbag.

.. I hope you realize you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you.

First message to Derek:
I know you probably haven't thought about me in a while, but I can't help but think about you. The thought of you makes me physically sick. I'm sick of thinking these things and being pissed off without letting you know. You don't deserve a great girl. You don't deserve a happy ending. I hope you get all the shit in the world. After this, as far as I am concerned, you never existed. I hope I never see you around anywhere ever again. You are dead to me.

His message back:
I'd imagine that you wont reply to my response, but I cant, for the life of me, figure out what would make you feel that way about me. I dont remember raping you, or treating you like shit in front of people, or hitting you or really being all that terrible to you. I think we both can agree that I wasnt ideal, in our little relationship, but for you to come out of nowhere and make a statement like that is kind of out of line After the last time we spoke about all the problems we were having, which took alot of coaxing you to get to the heart of the problem, we both agreed that we would be in touch with each other more, and try to make this work. I didnt hear from you once after that. If making things work was such a huge goal for you, a phone call, a text message, an email, a myspace message, from you would have been a step in the right direction.

I think you need to stop putting all the blame for everything that happend between you and I, on my shoulders. And equally, I am at fault for letting you make me feel like I was 100% responsible for all communication between us.
I suppose you'll blame me for being your 1st big mistake when it comes to guys, and I'm sure I can handle that, but you have to realize that relationships work both ways, and you did not give ours 100%.
I hope you and your new boyfriend are very happy. I'm sure he's a much more sufficient person than I was/am.

My message back:
I wasn't planning on replying back because I wasn't planning on you giving a fuck enough to write anything back to me.
Every single thing you said made me laugh. Really, it blew my mind. I don't know where the hell you think you have any room to say that I didn't put 150 fucking percent into our "little relationship". I tried seeing you all the time. I'd call you, text you, leave you a voicemail here and there. Never heard back from you. I was ALWAYS the one trying to keep "whatever we had" going, so for you to say all of that... I'm honestly speechless.
I've seen my new boyfriend more in the past two weeks then I've seen you in the past year and a half, and whether that's from you going on tour then whatever, but I KNOW you could have tried a whole of a fucking lot harder than you did.
The best thing about him is that he's the complete opposite of you. He makes me see how worthless you were because I can tell he actually cares about me.
I told myself I was never going to ever let myself fall for someone like I fell for you. I don't have half the heart for him as I did for you. I don't consider you a mistake, and I don't regret you at all. You just really, killed me, in a way, and writing both of these made me feel better, though right now I am shaking with anger.


If you actually took the time to read this and you know our relationship.. you sat there and laughed and said, "WHAT THE FUCK?" right out loud. Yah, I know. I was flabbergasted. Did he really say I didn't put 100% into this?
What the fuck ever, dude. Over it. Nicola is my baaaaaaby. He makes me soososo happy.

I plan on fixing everything. I had a long talk with Katherine today. She made me realize a lot of things. She is so wise. I'm working on being as happy as a clam! Imagine me being happy? Hahaha, I KNOW RIGHT? Nick puts me in the right direction.
I wrote a long letter to Paige. I think we're gonna be fine.

Once I finalize this letter, you never existed. Gone. Done.
Side note; New punk goes pop IS SO GOOD...

I enjoy spending all my time with Nick, and that's what I plan on doing.

I feel so distant from Paige, it's ridiculous. I've felt like that ever since I got a job, but now even more-so since I'm dating Nick. It's just not the same. When I'm with Nick and/or Morgan we ALWAYS are doing something. Paige came over last night and we didn't do anything. It was just weird. I don't know. Nick is adorable. He puts me in a better mood. He took me on a date two nights ago. He makes me laugh.

First of all, I want to let everyone know that the beginning credits have no stopped rolling and I have already started crying on the season finale of One Tree Hill. That's besides what this post was going for though.
I am happy. Nick makes me so happy. He's a perfect boyfriend. He left me balloons on my car today. He flips me off and tries to hook up with my mom. His dad loves me. My mom loves him. I like this.

I am dating Nick. My first boyfriend since the 10th grade, which makes me think.. Tor, maybe you're not the dating type. I guess we'll see. I still don't have my heart back.

I'm content.

I fucking hate everyone. I am so annoyed. I can't wait to get the fuck out of here and forget everyone when I go to college. One person set me off today. Fucking cunt.

So it's 10:40 pm.. I took a nap, worked, went to the gym. I'm not so heated, I'm actually in a decent mood. I might actually date this kid, my first boyfriend since what, 10th grade? It boggles my mind, and I'm not sure if I'm really the "dating" type. I'm living for the moment, now. I don't need to be in a relationship to know that someone cares about me. I don't need to be in a relationship at all. In fact, I don't even need to know if anyone cares about me. Right now is weird, and all I know is that I WANT A TATTOO OF TED BUNDY ON MY RIGHT ARM. Uggggh, shit.

This relationship with Nick is a thousand percent different than my relationSHIT with Derek. I honeslty don't give a fuck if I don't see Nick for a day or two because I NEVER got to see Derek. I don't deal with all the little boy bull shit Nick is throwing my way because I never had to before so I'm not starting now. Straight up, I'm pissed and there's no more secrets. If you don't like this shit I'm spitting at you then fucking peace because I'm reeeal fucking over it. Fuck ya motha.


I really just want to marry Paul and get it over with... Shit man.

My right leg is numb.... nuff said.

I don't believe in anything at all except my hate, because it's the only thing with me every fucking day.